Hello my darling...

Do you want to know an interesting fact? The fact that your blog is ALWAYS the first blog I read when I do my rounds of blog-reading almost every day. :) No, I'm not being a stalker, its just that I like the way you write your posts with such honesty and heart. It's inspiring to see what you have become today and it's even more overwhelming to see just how much you've grown in your walk with God. I have known you probably since you were only 5? And I have seen you grow every step of the way all the way till 3 years ago. And it was that span of 3 years that I've felt you've grown closer to God. You began to understand what it's like to walk the talk. It has been an amazing journey for me, personally, to watch you grow up. You were one of my favourite kid along with your brother in church (sorry lar, I know I'm not suppose to encourage favouritism but I can't help it), and it is still the same till this day. Only difference is that I have missed some of the most crucial years of you growing up. But to see what you've achieved thus far, is nothing short of amazing.

Perhaps you are feeling that you've hit rock-bottom these days. But let me remind you that God's grace is always sufficient. Yes, you may stray away but you know what is the amazing thing about God? He is always right where you left him, waiting, waiting anxiously for you to come back. It doesn't matter how you got back; whether you crawled, ran, walked or rolled back. The mode of transportation doesn't matter to him. What is important to Him is that His daughter is finally back. He is welcoming you with wide open arms.

If it takes you crying all day and all night to let out your frustration, sadness, confusion and etc, so be it. I would be there for you if I can, but unfortunately, I can't. Hence this post right here to remind you that the Lord's grace and mercy is new everyday. I don't know what you're going through now (unless you want to tell me) but I do understand the whole process because I've been there, done that. The pain is excruciating but bear in mind that after all that pain and battle with your emotions and spiritual needs, you will emerge a warrior; one that is stronger that before. Never lose hope, never lose faith. Constantly do a heart check and continue to talk to God about your problems even though its hard for you to feel him. Remember that what you're feeling now is exactly what the devil wants you to feel and you are at where he wants you to be. Always keep in mind that the devil attacks comes more furiously when your relationship with God is at the strongest.

It's okay to sway from the path once in a while because we are humans, and we're not perfect. We still let our head overwrites our heart at times and we make mistakes. Don't feel guilty because it will only drown you slowly without you realising it. Whatever you're feeling right this instance, let it go. It's time for you to let it go and let the Healer heal you. Many times you may not know the reason or cause of your situation right now but just let it all go.. You don't have to know to let it go because there are things that are so subtle that we don't even think its relevant but truth is, it is. Continue to seek God earnestly. He is always there. You may not feel Him right now but trust me, He is there. And I'm pretty sure you know it. Don't let the burden of your emotions hold you down. Let go of everything that has been bothering you (whether its just one thing or an accumulation of multiple incidents) to find your way home again.

Home is where the heart is. God will use you for greater things my dear. So take this as a challenge. When you rise above the situation, you will see God's goodness in every situation, even the bad ones. You will be amazed how far you will go once this is over; when your faith, hope and strength has been renewed to a greater level.

Greater things are yet to come for you dear. Position yourself in a realm that will enable you to receive the Holy Spirit when you are ready. Do whatever it takes to win the battle. Put on the armour of God, go forth and battle with your Goliath. It may take some time before you get back up on your feet again but it is important for you to know that the process of learning is more important than time. Take it one at a time, savour the moment and emerge as a winner at the finish line.

You are not only precious in God's eyes but also in your parents', families', friends' and of course, mine. I am always here if you need me. You just have to reach out. Like how you need to reach out to God more than ever now. I love you dearly and would give you a big, long, tight hug right now if I could. :)

Hope you find some inner peace with God after reading this. Take care my dear.. :)

And to end this note, here's a scripture for you. <3

 Isaiah 42

Hope does not necessarily take the form of excessive confidence; rather, it involves the simple willingness to take the next step.

-Stanley Hauerwas

How many people do you know that are willing, and I mean whole-heartedly, to take the next step without knowing where it will lead you? Taking that leap of faith isn't always easy, but it isn't always bad either. Sometimes, its better for us to hold on to that tiny string of hope we have, praying for a miracle because miracle do happen. Now, come on, don't be so skeptical.... Can you really tell me that you don't believe in miracle? Religion aside, have you NEVER encounter a miracle? Miracles does not have to be a big thing or event that happened in your life, it can be as small as an ant for all I care, but the bottom line is that you appreciate that something or some event because you have never thought it would turn out like that. Also, it doesn't have to happen in your life for you to witness it... Look around at your friends and families, have they not encountered a miracle before? I, personally, would like to think that at some point in life, everyone gets to witness or encounter a miracle.

For me, I am just thankful that whenever I am at my lowest point, God is there to pick me up. And yes, sometimes, I am stubborn and refuse to get up because I am drown in my self-pity and sorrow. But He never leaves me. He keeps watch over me and reminds me through people I've met or things I've seen or songs I've heard or words I've read to continuously encourage me to stand up and face the battle with Him by my side. Sermon on Sunday was extremely good and encouraging. It makes me wonder why I don't stand as firm as I should in Him. But we all go through different stages in life and we grow as we pass each stage.

Right now, I need the pain on my shoulders to go away so I can get a good nights sleep. It has been bothering me for a week now. =( Also, I need all the rest, strength, calmness and wisdom I need as I sit for my IELTS speaking test on Wednesday and the rest on Saturday.

Thank You Lord! :)

To be honest, my intention of writing this post was actually to let out the hatred and anger that I have within me right now but then I got a text from my aunt that said that 'you know that the evil one is trying to break our family apart and as Christians we should turn the situation around'.

I came home from a fun, lively, happy, joyful and merry Christmas party at Sharon and Rose Mary's place to see my mum's swollen eyes the moment I switched on the lights. Maid woke up and so I asked her what happened. You know there's times when you wish that you're born in a different family? That is how I've been feeling lately. Nothing is going right and there is constant war at home over the smallest thing. If I would have knew, I wouldn't have asked mum to stayed for Christmas and would have booked the earlier tickets for them to go home. At least that way, they don't have to put up with the crap that has been going on here. I haven't been using the kitchen ever since mum got here other than 2 days ago when I baked egg tarts. I never had to worry if there's anything to eat cause there is always food. The best thing is I never have to wash dishes cause maid does all of it, usually. Yes, I get annoyed when things don't go back to the exact spot its supposed to be or if the drawers get messy and all, but I am grateful that I get home cooked food every single meal. It has been the longest time since I did groceries or paid for it for that matter cause mum does all of it. I feel rather guilty and ashamed to say that mum was never supposed to spend money on any groceries cause its supposed to come out from me and my brother. But seeing that I don't have a lot of cash on me as I just got back from internship and being jobless since 2 weeks ago, I can only pay for whatever I can via my credit card and earn enough next month to pay back the bank.

Sometimes when you say people take you for granted, I suppose you ought to look at yourself in the mirror and reflect, to see if you are actually taking others for granted. No one like being taken for granted, what more to say your immediate family. Shouldn't you respect the elders instead of shouting and screaming? Sometimes I really don't understand the people in my family, immediate or extended alike. Hence, I try to stay in my own world because that is the safest option. I don't cross your line and you don't cross my line. Maybe that's why I rather stay home and be anti-social because at least then, I know I have things under control. Seeing the crap my mum have to put up with, and yes, sadly to say that that includes crap from me when I get irritated (sorry mum), I can't help but feel extremely sad. Maid told me that if I were home today, I would have surely cried too. It seems as though I was the one who brought it all up because it was because of my graduation that they are here. If it wasn't for me, none of it would have happened. From the double booking of flight tickets to incorrect booking of flight tickets to crappy days to spending heaps of money in the end.

Life as we know it is full of uncertainties. Some we understand and turn out the way we expect it to, while some others we will never comprehend. I haven't been in the best of mood for over a week now until the party I just attended. It's Christmas so I am determined to make the best out of the worst situation. After all, Christmas is about Jesus who died on the cross for us, humans, to be free of sins and to live life according to His will.

So, HAVE A JOYOUS CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

It's December already! The year has flew past so quickly this year and before we know it, it'd be Christmas, Boxing Day and then the New Year! Scary much!

I am sitting here in the store, staring into thin air because it is so boring! And I have another 2 hours to go.

Everytime I sit down and think back on what I've achieve this year, I can't help but wonder what prompted me to do what I did. University life is officially over for me now, but maybe one day, I will go back and study what I really want to. 2 semester of uni and another semester of offshore internship wasn't easy, but I am glad I made it through assignments after assignments and exams after exams. I am thankful that God always blesses me with the end results even if I did it in a rush. It has been nothing short of amazing especially when there are times that I do not know what I am writing even after finishing the assignment. The endurance has paid off well now that I am graduating. Many said that your university life is supposed to be the most amazing and memorable time you have in life but for me, it isn't always the case. I do enjoy them but more often than not, it feels as its more of an obligation to go to uni because all I do is go uni for lectures and tutorials and then hop on the train and head home straight. And on days that I am not required to go to uni, I work. Such is my life but I enjoy it though its often tiring. =)

I really have to sit down and update my CV, find a new job and find a volunteer job to make my days more fulfilling. I can't possibly stay on this job forever, I have been here for 2.5 years and getting too comfortable... And, it doesn't pay very well now that the company is going in for the dip. But above all, I need to get my visa application out of the way first. And that means photocopying and certifying my certificates, sitting for my IELTS test and preparing all the seemingly unimportant things.. Am meeting with a migration lawyer on Thursday to see if there's any other way of going about with the application. Believing that if this is where I am destined to be for now, God will make a way. It is all in His hands now.

I can't wait for Christmas! We're celebrating Christmas in Castlemaine because only aunt's house is big enough to cater all of us. Life is a bliss now that I don't have to cook or even use the kitchen.. =) Although I do have to admit that I get annoyed and angry rather easily now with so many people to deal with at home. Uncle said that its because I have been so used to having my own space and that is what I won't be getting for the month, hence the irritated attitude. Not good, not good at all. I have to remind myself constantly that its the season of joy and that is not supposed to happen.

Anyways, looking forward to cherry picking tomorrow with the family. Family time! And I need to start planning for road trips so the family doesn't get bored. I suppose sacrificing my work to bring joy to them would be worth it. Afterall, I can always work harder when they go back. Tata!

I was meaning to blog but I suppose I was either too lazy or too occupied with things (go figure). Honestly, I think this year has been a year filled with changes. I was reading Shiyou's Tumblr on one of her blog post titled 'Walk Away'. It got me thinking. Like seriously, have I been walking away too much this year? Or have I been doing the exact opposite of not letting go even when the pain is getting unbearable?

My mentality have definitely changed over the past 10 months. The journey was not all that great, but it was good because I know God is with me every step of the way. This year, I have done things I will never think of doing previously, took the leap of faith and step out of my comfort zone, trusted God with provision without doubt, and most importantly, I have gained and lost some dear friends. I suppose its a give-and-take situation.

Maybe I should have walked away the first time round. But it wasn't as bad as this time round. This time, I totally and utterly felt invisible and disposable. Thank God for friend who is willing to drive all the way to pick you up (well, it's not like Kuching is very big...) and become your life saver, saving yourself from embarrassment and awkwardness in an atmosphere that you don't feel comfortable in. Ironically, I felt way more comfortable in the midst of people I have never met before in a pub because my life saver was meeting his friends. It's funny how things works. I was having dinner with three best friends last night and realised how we all changed over the course of time. I have deduce that it was actually our life experiences that molds our mentality and personalities in recent years. I told them that I do not wish for us to become where I have become with the closest people in my high school years. The people closest has somehow seem to become strangers all over again. Strangers that I find hard to approach, to reach out and to mingle with. Perhaps, walking away would be the wisest choice at a time like this. It's not because I want an easy way out but because I don't know whether I can survive another emotional turmoil after the one beginning of the year. I do not wish to end my year with another one of those torturing moments.

Quoting Shiyou...

"It’s funny right. The person who you loved to spend every moment with becomes the person you dread seeing. The dream that used to stir you up, becomes a nightmare. The friends who you went to when times were crap, becomes the people you want to avoid. "

I can relate to that statement because its how I feel.

As I embark on my journey back to Melbourne next Wednesday, it marks another new season for me. A season where I have to wait on God and let Him decide what's my next move: to stay or not to stay. Personally, I would like to stay. Hence, I need to start applying for my TR soon as results are release. But who knows down the road, what other great plans God has for me. I think I've adapted to the Aussie lifestyle that I started disliking the Malaysian lifestyle, especially the rudeness and lack of courtesy.

Despite things that happened in the past year, I am glad to know that I've still got friends that I can count on in times of need. Above all, I am glad that I no longer have trust issues with God though I can't say the same when it comes to people (it might have just gone from bad to worst).

Call me weird but I'm actually hoping that results comes out earlier. Two more weeks to go. Praying hard that I at least obtain distinctions for all three subjects.

Running out of things to say so I must as well end here. Toodles!